No More Excuses

Hi everyone,

        As of today, I have been using this tumblr fairly consistenly since about June 2011. The majority of my time on tumblr has been used reblogging a lot of things that help keep me motivated. I think it has been beneficial to me, but for this year I want to work on getting to know my followers better and them learning who I am. I don’t post a lot of personal posts but I would like to start doing so. In order to jumpstart this, I’m going to share my “story”. Who I am, how I got to be the way I am, my struggles, and what I’m doing today.

I was born into a normal family, I had a mother and a father , along with a sister who was born a year after me. Both of my parents are overweight, and the majority of my extended family members are as well. As a child I remember my parents would always take us to McDonald’s for lunch or dinner. There would be days when my sister and I would have sports practice so they’d take us to McDonald’s before or after. Since my mom generally worked late hours and my father worked nights, we were often in after school programs and would stop to get dinner on the way home around 6pm.

I think this is the seed of my weight problems. I don’t remember a time in my life that I was not the “fat kid”. I remember going to the doctor when I was around 8 years old and the pediatrician said that I needed to see a dietician. My parents took me to the dietician and I was completely against it. I didn’t understand why I had to be the one that needed to lose weight when everyone else in my family looked the same as me. As time progressed, my weight got worse, but so did my internal problems.

In a series of about 5 years my parents got a divorce, my mom let two men move into our home, she began smoking and drinking, and I grew a hate for the men she dated. I became so angry that I became the child that noone enjoyed being around. When I was in middle school I finally found a way to express myself, through music and the internet. I found comfort with the internet because noone was able to judge me, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I found comfort in music because there were songs that expressed all of my emotions. I listened to A LOT of alternative, rock, and metal. Me being an African American female, this didn’t go along with my family and friends very well. They thought I was “emo” and a “freak”. Some said I was looking for attention and others thought I was rude and hateful. In honesty, I was depressed. I had noone to express my emotions to and nowhere to go. I kept everything bottled in and my only release was talking to strangers on the internet and music. Along with the internet and music, I used food, a lot. Whenever I was bored or upset, food was always there for me.

When I was forced to move to private school for high school, I had one of the worse years of my life. My half sister, whom I was never too close with, was suddenly killed. This hit me hard. I had never really dealt with death and I did not know how to get a grasp on it. My depression worsened as I continued through my freshman year. As I returned from the summer for sophomore year, something changed in me. I was tired of being sad, and unhappy. I worked to change my attitude, opened up to people a little more, and found myself to be content with myself.

Throughout these years I cannot say that I did not have my good moments. I have always been a relatively good student so I stayed on the high honor roll and was pretty involved in activities at school. I have always had a few close friends and people generally enjoy being around me. Along with this, there were a lot of attempts at diets. I have a weight watchers card from 2004 (I was 14) and I weighed in 250.4. I remember doing a “biggest loser” challenge with my family where I was able to lose 20 pounds. I can’t remember a year in my mature life that I have not tried to lose weight.

As high school progressed, so did my weight. Since my school allowed us to leave campus for lunch, I would eat fast food several times a week.I graduated high school after the conclusion of senior year that was full of good times with my group of friends. As I got ready for my freshman year of college, I once again tried to lose weight. I went into that summer weighing 290 and went into college weighing 275. During my freshman and sophomore years of college I would try to lose weight sporadically but I continued to gain. I gained due to the combination of dining hall food, going out to eat, and drinking, as every college kid does.

In May 2011 I stepped on the scale and saw 299 pounds. This scared the HELL out of me. Here I was almost 300 pounds. I promised myself that I would never see that number again. Throughout the remainder of the year I worked to make lifestyle changes. There were times when I tried “fad” diets where I would attempt to lose 10 pounds in a week. In 2011 I was able to realize that it’s the small changes that count and this weight isn’t going to go away over night or in a week. I was able to lose about 25-30 pounds through eating healthier, cutting out fatty foods, and becoming more active. I learned that food is not a cure for a bad day or boredom. I’ve learned that healthy food can actually taste good! For 2012 I am working to commit to this weight loss. I’m tired of being the fat girl in my group of friends. I want to be happy and I want to live life to its greatest potential. I didn’t commit to 2011 but I am ready to stick to something for myself. I’ll be posting my 2012 goals soon so please keep a look out for them! If you’re still reading this, thank you. I have needed to share this for a while, and I appreciate your support while I go on this journey.